TOWII - Part One

Our Essex chums are officially back (yay) and things definitely kicked off in Ibiza. Part One of the TOWII special caught us up with all the goings on over summer, Lauren and Lewis are definitely not on, Mario is well and truly back, Danielle and Lockie broke our tiny hearts and Dan has a massive schlong. Here’s what else we learnt…

1. Arg needs to burn his big bird budgie smugglers.

2. Back 2 seconds and we were already treated to a Mario shower scene. We had flashbacks to the very first time he hit our screens; aww pervy nostalgia.

3. Ricky's beard comb stole the show.

4. The world was not ready for Lockie’s white Speedos.

5. The glittery ball bag has left us with mental scarring, it can never be unseen.

6. Last time we saw Charlie he was rocking the wolf of Wall Street dapper look. However he’s now proof an extra few inches isn’t actually always a good thing, definitely Brad Tit.

7. If Ferne put as much work into her impressions as Elliott has his face she’d get our vote on Britain’s Got Talent.

8. The shoulder off will be coming to ITVBe in the New Year. Presented by Mark Wright.

9. Mario walking up to Lockie, Elliott and Dan - Awkward alert. It was like Mario walked into an airport wearing an ‘I heart bombs’ t-shirt.

10. A naked Dan selfie exists! In the words of the pervy ladies, Oh my effing Jesus Christ. We’ve never wanted to see something more since they announced the alternative ending to Titanic.

11. We hail Vas the king of name-dropping, he really should carry around a dustpan to sweep up his Blooms and Biebers though.

12. Lewis went from nice guy to bellend in 0.4 seconds.

13. The Mallet skank might not catch on, especially if Arg is advertising it.

14. Danielle broke our tiny hearts with sadness.

15. Mario is taking 3rd wheeling to the next level.

16. Elliott reverted back to the 1920's – he sure would look handsome in white tie at Downton.

17. If you've not got a bottle opener to hand you need a George.

18. I was drunk. I'm young. I'm enjoying my life. Three sentences from the handbook of cheating prick by Lewis Bloor – available in no good bookstores.

19. James talking about his actual feelings might be one of the most honest and sincere scenes we've ever seen on TOWIE.

20. Jasmin said words.

21. Georgia is a top human.

22. Tom seems to be growing porn star hair. We're ok with it but will have to drawn the line if a moustache makes an appearance.

23. Our sky + then stopped recording so we missed the Danielle and Lockie chat. Damn technology.

24. If we don't get more Ricky & Jess action we will riot - politely.