26.2.15

TOWIE - Episode One & Two.



It seems like last year since we saw our favourite agg loving Essex folks in action! Well the bronzed beauties are back and there’s a ssssssnake amongst them – oh the horror! The first two episodes gave us a whole lot of couple love, plenty of he said she said and a glimpse of Charlie Sims! Here’s what we learnt…

Episode One.

1. Bobby told the waiter he had a grassy arse – we think this was an attempt at the native language rather than a weird euphemism.
2. Beef in Tenerife. Nobody needs that shit.
3. Dani unfollowed Ferne on Twitter, that's the social media equivalent of posting dog shit through someone’s letterbox.
4. Lydia got up from that sun lounger like the dodgy kebab from last night just came back to haunt her.
5. Civil? Civil? That’s no way to celebrate a birthday Mario.
6. In a break from tradition Ricky decided to throw his own drink in his own face.
7. Danny O, Lockie and Elliott in a sweaty sauna. It's like Christmas Day, Birthday and Pancake Day all in one scene!
8. We reckon Elliott is regretting those his and hers teeth now.
9. There’s no word that strikes fear like ‘word’ – apparently.
10. GC was channeling her inner something about Mary with that fringe action.
11. Listen... we are Elliott, we are!
12. Lydia was channeling her inner and outer Cruella.
13. Dan is a double DILF.
14. Jess used a hashtag in an actual out loud spoken sentence. We feel dirty.
15. Snake watch is in full swing. Some are looking a bit scaly
16. Lockie is looking extra musketeer this series and we are loving it.
17. Hey sexy. Here. Now. Dan E, woweee. Even though we’re pretty sure he stole his hair from a nostalgic Italian wannabe model and looks like he has the sun eternally shining in his eyes, we kinda like him.
18. Bloor wisdom, just because you've got a meal it doesn't mean you can't look at the menu. We’d be worried about him ordering a side dish.
19. Charlie Sims is back!!! We’ll savour that 2 seconds of handsome hat action.
20. When a conversational reply starts with ‘mmmhmmm’ you know it's going to go downhill quicker than a fat kid on a bike with no brakes.

Episode Two.

21. We don't think Bobby has quite grasped the meaning of moral.
22. Dani booked into Chloe's for one of those classic hair combings.
23. Elliott bought her a carpet? Now that right there ladies is a catch.
24. Lockie and Dan running through the woods looked like they'd just nicked a handful of penny sweets from woolies.
25. Lydia thinks Vas has it in for her. Maybe he's jealous of her hat collection? Or maybe he could sense her underlying bitch?
26. Lewis is wondering if the ass sorry we mean grass is greener.
27. Want to nick birds? Then you need to dog up.
28. Jess would like us all to know she's over Ricky ok. Ok!
29. Bobby’s tache is more Bieber than Mr Selfridge
30. Listen... People can't listen to a text Elliott!
31. ‘a fink day av a little bit’ – Dani’s elocution lessons are going really well.
32. Diags saying wise things makes us more uncomfortable than when the drunk person on a quiet bus makes eye contact with you.
33. Surely the creepy ‘I’ve done a silent fart’ smile every time someone had a ‘she said he said’ convo in front of Gemma gave her away…
34. There’s so much aggy in the air.

24.2.15

Ex On The Beach 2 - Episode Four.



Episode 4 of our favourite MTV show shot mainly on a beach with people who are people’s ex’s felt like the calm before the storm. The calm was briefly disturbed when Mel unleashed the wrath, oh boy what a wrath! Then there were lots of grafting, a parsnip slip and a whole load of C U Next Tuesday’s being uttered here there and everywhere! Here’s what we learnt…

1. As soon as Gaz arrived Mel threw Connor aside like a pair of old socks (Hey look Adam, that analogy works for pretty much any situation!)
2. Jess thinks Rogan is the devil – well he has got horny down to a fine art.
3. Boat bum overload! We couldn’t keep up with the all the cheek.
4. Kayleigh has invested in one of Mel’s Slagdar’s and it gave Emily a reading of ‘Dirty Hoe’.
5. Anita popped out the ocean looking like Cousin It. Ah long hair life jacket problems.
6. Gaz doesn't like to eat off a plate… filth.
7. Forget nipple watch, it’s all about PARSNIP WATCH now! The parsnip in (just about) paper pants alert!
8. Kayleigh did seem to have more fun as a blonde, fancy that.
9. Rogan referred to himself as Rogie Bear. It shouldn't work but it kind of made his little speech even more adorable. The smooth bastard.
10. Anita has a case of parsnip peril.
11. Who knew sausages came in pairs hey Kayleigh.
12. C U Next Tuesday got more airtime than erm what's her name… you now, the one with the face…
13. Mel unleashed the wrath and it was mighty.
14. Poor little Connor was like a little cub trying to restrain 2 lionesses from devouring a mouthy gazelle he’d formed and unlikely friendship with. Definitely a Disney movie in the making.
15. Let's all chip in and get Morgan one of these 10 pound hoes they keep talking about, we’re starting to feel a bit sorry for him.
16. On those grabber machines in arcades we bet Gaz is the type of guy that goes for one rammed in a corner tied to a brick rather than the one perched top centre, just for the love of graft.
17. Rogan listed his boy Morgs above Jess. That's true guy love.
18. Dolphins. Dolphins. Dolphins. All wet an’ that.
19. Adam was having one those days where if he got a hit by a train it wouldn’t be clean and quick; he’d be dragged a thousand miles before getting pissed on by wild cats
20. Girls dig a rap apology.
21. Hey mum and dad how did you meet 'making chocolate cocks an' that' the start of a beautiful life together for Emily and Connor surely?
22. Adam was filmed speaking without a hat… we now realise why he wears one at all times. Terrible hair game Gabriel.
23. Second slagdar reading for Emily, massive massive whore.
24. I'm sorry I'm a prick is catchier than crabs.
25. Lukie G is the new understated stud. Turns out girls do love a rap apology.
26. Joe will forever be know to us as Noddy. Those ickle rosy cheeks, d’awww.

15.2.15

Ex On The Beach 2 - Episode Three



Episode 3 and our first epic girl fight loomed, but then sanity actually prevailed and chicks before dicks became a thing. It all went a bit Ex crazy with on average someone gaining a small head every 3 minutes. Then the Ex of all Ex’s aka Mr Parsnip aka Gaz from Geordie Shore arrived… bring on the mayhem! Here’s what we learnt…

1. Kayleigh looked all super sad in her glorious yellow dress but all we could think about was how long her eyelashes are. That’s some mighty length.
2. When it comes to letting people down Adam is about as gentle as Edward Scissor hands checking a prostate.
3. Water parks generally do make people moist. It’s more to do with the whole water thing than Connor being naughty.
4. We want Jess’s eyes so we can just look at them all day. There is no way we can word that to not sound a bit creepy.
5. Loren had a case of the fear tears.
6. The way people were talking you'd think Kayleigh was hulk not a teeny tiny girl.
7. Rogan, Jess and Anita on a date. That was more awkward than taking your mum to see 50 shades of grey.
8. When you think Rogan can pull off anything... he turns up in tennis whites. He looked like Cliff Richard on steroids.
9. We thought Anita would make an excellent ball girl... we can't think why. But she needs to work on her technique.
10. Whenever Jess talks we now close our eyes and this will never ever change. We really want her to say ‘please sir, can I have some more’.
11. We didn’t realise Megan was still a thing…
12. Morgan is so smooth. Not metaphorically but actually literally.
13. What's the actual definition of mugging someone off? A bit of clarity would really help prevent intellectual exchanges like ‘you’re mugging me off’, ‘how am I mugging you off?’, ‘you’re just mugging me off’.
14. Adam makes a beautiful blonde. Kind of like a bearded Taylor swift.
15. Rogan has the body of a Greek God and the voice of a Downtown Abbey extra with added fluffiness.
16. Kayleigh woke up in a good mood then Loren had to dish the bombshell. It was like watching an excited kid at Christmas find out the best toy they got needs batteries.
17. Loren made sure there were witnesses... wise.
18. Kayleigh reacting well to that news was more surprising than the ending to Shutter Island.
19. We need more Luke and his excellent doo action.
20. Why don't they just turn the tablet of terror off?
21. Gaz coming out the sea to 'anaconda'. Brilliance.
22. Mels ex hated Gaz so much he blocked him on Twitter. That's the social media equivalent to pissing through someone's letterbox.
23. Emily racked up three ex’s within 2 seconds! That’s almost as long as it took Connor to become Mel’s bitch.
24. The term ex is about as loose as… naming no names (insert side eyes here)
25. Dick in a box... well played producers, well played.

8.2.15

Ex On The Beach 2 - Episode Two.



Episode two of Ex On The Beach treated us to a whole new helping of Ex action. There were nipples, bums and buckets, plus a new level of crazy! What more could we want?! Here’s what we learnt…

1. Muttley, sorry, Megan apparently got guys to beat top nips up. She makes Kayleigh look like a beanie baby.
2. Megan said YOLO out loud in an actual sentence. Twat alert.
3. Mel’s slagdar struck again, this time it gave a reading of ‘loose whore’.
4. Whilst Rogan got a private nipple watch from Anita we could clearly see what she'd had for breakfast.
5. The ol’ huff and blow looked like a classic case of 'I don't want to go to school today mum' from Connor.
6. We can't tell if Loren was stirring a pot or winding up a jack in a box. A career as a mime does not await.
7. Next in the range of Mel’s gadgets is the ‘Bullshitter Bell’ coming soon.
8. Megan got pied. It was like watching a scabby badger dry hump a prize-winning watermelon.
9. They're all so cultured 'slip it in big boy' & 'my tits are amazing' – they learnt all the classics.
10. Nipple watch. Morgan's baby nips were peeking through what can only be described as a string vest. This is not a drill.
11. Morgan unleashed the wrath and the decorative bowls shit themselves.
12. Forget nipple watch. It's all about the crack. Rogan. Butt. Naked.
13. How is it possible for someone to emerge from the ocean looking that good? Jess is clearly a vampire or unicorn or something.
14. She makes him laugh his tits off. That's some serious shits and giggles. Have you seen the size Rogan’s tits?!
15. It's not every day you see a Welsh tattoo covered Bieber straddling a horse. Luke’s a fairytale prince in the making.
16. Adams nipples were perfectly on form glistening in the sun getting their cheeky flirt on.
17. Future girlfriend. Rogan you smooth little shit. He’s smoother than Morgan’s chest covered in melted butter.
18. Uh-Oh! Morgan angered Kayleigh! It was nice knowing him.
19. Loren went from chief wing woman to giggling school girl in a flash of the wolf of the west end’s smile.
20. He got feelin's an' that has Rogie Bear.
21. Sad faced Anita is more upsetting than watching a three legged puppy with a bag stuck on its head backing into a busy road.
22. Nobody who uses the word moist can officially be a ten out of ten.

Now bring on the Gaz!!

29.1.15

Ex On The Beach 2 - Episode One



The series premier of Ex On The Beach 2 had a heck of a lot to live up to, after series one provided us with some top telly moments – it sure didn’t disappoint. We made our first impressions of all the single bronzed beauties and they wasted no time getting stuck in! Rogan got his kiss on, Connor put in some serious groundwork and Kayleigh gave last series’ ‘mad Frank’ an early run for her money. Here’s what we learnt…

1. The tablet of terror is back and the uncontrollable ex sweats began.
2. No matter what, grown adults will always run into a fancy house screaming and immediately jump on the beds. They’re like toddlers with tattoos.
3. Morgan and Rogan just became best friends. If they had bunk beds they'd definitely nail them together so there’d be so much room for activities!
4. Rogan is attracted to arseholes...
5. Luke has more muscles than a seafood restaurant... a seafood restaurant in Mongolia with no road access.
6. We might already love Morgan. He had us at E.T.
7. We still don’t know who Mother Tulisa is?
8. Rogan and Kayleigh went from bubbles to battering in the sip of some Champaign.
9. “Mel needs her arm bands on because she's going to get moist tonight” Aww Connor, he’s about as romantic as garlic squid.
10. Connor the poor kid. He put in a day of groundwork and ended up drying Mel’s hair… she’s already got the pup well trained.
11. The nervous poo – we’ve all been there.
12. If you’ve ever got money or pride resting on guessing a fruit correctly (because that always happens right?) never ask Luke for help… Mini watermelons?
13. Loren suffered from the age ol’ dilemma… Do I put a bag over it?
14. Adam is the wolf of the west end. So like Leo Di Caprio but with jazz hands.
15. Kayleigh apparently likes to throw a drink and a fist. Crazy alert.
16. Morgan has really tiny nipples – they’re like soft pink pennies.
17. Mel comes equipped with a slag radar. Available on Amazon soon.
18. Nipple watch part two, Adam’s are so perfectly round, like un-nibbled jaffa cakes.
19. “Smash the shit out of her” Yet more romance from Connor. He’d dry hump your leg without taking it out for dinner first.
20. Kayleigh's vocabulary doesn't stretch far from fuck off.
21. She's not angry she's disappointed. Jeez we'd hate to see Kayleigh angry! Even the pot plants did a tiny fear wee.
22. Rogan – “ He couldn’t nick a box of glory” We love him.
23. Anita needs to work on her fizz to mouth coordination.
24. Connor finally wore Mel down, like a well-toned stalker – go on lad!
25. Newbie Megan looks like she needs a good wash.

If they 'coming up' preview is anything to go by we're in for a right explosive telly treat! Bring on the sexy madness!

Ex On The Beach 2 - First Impressions



Series 1 of Ex On The Beach hit our screens with a bang (literally) and we took (most) of the cast into our cold hearts. So when it was announced series 2 was sporting a whole new batch of bronzed beauties we were a little worried. What if nobody could match Liam’s excellent stirring? What if there wasn’t some top doo’s like Macro’s Jeff? And most importantly what if nobody delivered the epic one-liners like Vicky? The horror! Well we needn’t have fret, the new batch are an instant hit – not all for the right reasons. Here are our first impressions…

Morgan


He’s looking for a woman that knows how to use a knife and fork, which we’re going to translate into classy rather than intelligence of a semi-coordinated ape. He’s totally got standards. Not only is Morgan nicely sculptured the chap has excellent eyebrows. We’re already rather fond of Morgan – we can use a knife, fork and a spoon by the way!

Mel


We struggled slightly with our first impressions of Mel. She wasn’t in your face, she wasn’t completely dull, she didn’t say anything hilarious but she wasn’t a total nutter either. This might mean international DJ Mel is a bit normal… this is potentially a great thing amongst the other madness.

Connor


Before little Connor even opened his mouth he oozed Essex. This naughty chap is all about the tan, teeth and triceps. He’s like an over tanned, over preened puppy that you’d totally forgive if he pissed up your leg. Bless.

Loren


The fact Loren described herself as a space raider crisp instantly made her our new favourite person! Complete with armbands and brummie love she made us do an impromptu d’awwww noise. She even sussed the whole ‘ex on the beach’ thing in a matter of minutes!

Rogan


The Greek god-like Adonis that completed the ‘perfect week’ - Barney Stinson would be proud! He is a beautiful beast but we’ll be eternally bemused as to how such a massive man could fit into such tiny pants! One flash of that smile and we were smitten.

Anita


It’s impossible for us to have first impressions of Anita, we kind of already had them back in her BINTM days (they were good). She’s a model that gets paid, so an actual model – her agent isn’t instagram! She’s obviously our early fave because she’s just bloody fabulous; we have a soft spot for beautiful folks that are a bit dorky.

Kayleigh


Her dog licks her, she licks him… he came from inside her… we call crazy! We fear her, we fear her more than whatever lurks downstairs the moment your turn the lights off.

Luke


A Welsh Bieber – just what the world needs. Oh the joy. Those were our impressions before we developed our actual first impressions. We love him! Who needs muscles when you’ve got the talent to inspire a whole load of shits and giggles.

Cracking line-up, well played MTV! If the first episode is anything to go by we’re in for an explosive telly treat.

Speaking of the first episode, our super summary is coming up shortly…

23.1.15

CBB - The Jim Davidson Effect.



There was a time when it didn't take much to be a reality TV villain. You didn't need to racially abuse someone to get headlines or objectify women and scream profanities to get a “tell all exclusive” in the red tops. You didn't even have to act out sex, in tight underwear in the garden, more's the pity. Back in 2000, “Nasty” Nick Bateman was the most hated man in Britain. The broadsheets and tabloids alike bayed for his blood, police escorted him out of the Big Brother house for fear of public violence and women gripped their children's hands tighter when he walked past them in the street. And what did this monster do to warrant this persecution and trial by public opinion? Did he grope a young girl in the confines of a toilet? No. Did he physically threaten or torment a more vulnerable housemate? No. So what did he do? He tried to win. In fact, apart from a rather regrettable fabricated story about a fictional fiancé passing, he was doing pretty bloody well. He remains the only housemate to never receive a single nomination and is quite possibly the best player of the game to ever enter the infamous building. How things change....

Fast-forward 15 years, and Nick is a comparative saint and about as evil as Dennis the Menace stood next to some of today's villains. “The most hated person in Britain” is a tag that gets passed round on a weekly basis between convicted killers, political leaders and Dapper Laughs like it was prison pornography. CBB, of course, keep note of all the non-criminal names and cold call them twice a year, like PPI for the already rich. A good percentage of celebrities who break the law, or lose their job end up doing a turn in reality TV. Ron Atkinson, Kerry Katona, The Hamiltons, Brian Harvey to name but a few. There's something quite sour tasting about rewarding those who make racial slurs, or defraud the public with another shot in the public eye and a nice pay cheque but by God does it make great television, as well as leaving Justin Lee Collins staring longingly at the telephone (who is too scared to look away).

Then of course there is the odd person who proves they aren't so bad after all. They aren't horrible, or bigoted, or psychopathic and they win the hearts of the nation by winning the UK's most notorious popularity contest. I like to call it The Davidson Effect.

Jim Davidson was/is one of the countries most reviled comedians and somehow managed to beat off the opposition to become CBB's most controversial winner. So he must be a nice fella then, right? Wrong. Jim Davidson is still a horrible irk. The Davidson Effect isn't the transformation of public opinion due to a character misjudged on closer examination! It is how a horrible little man can appear normal when surrounded by absolute lunacy!

Take this series. Before airing, Katie Hopkins was probably disliked by a good 95% of the British public. I would say after only a week or so on our screens that is now at 50/50, 60/40 at worst. People are starting to warm to her in the aftermath of the ridiculous Perez Hilton, the unstable Jeremy Jackson and the pretty disgusting Ken Morley. The Davidson Effect is in full flow, with people actually mistaking this comparative sanity for affection. This is still the same woman who says kids named after places are working class, despite calling her daughter India. It is still the same woman who called for Israel to bomb 'filthy rodent' Palestinians and it is still the same woman who joked at the expense of those killed in the Clutha helicopter disaster, using tragedy to get more twitter followers. However, when you stand even this vile woman next to the level of surrealism that calls the Big Brother house home, she frighteningly becomes a character you relate to. I can't find common ground with the man in a dress who humps garden furniture, or the drug addled handsy actor, or the perverted pensioner and so alarmingly Katy Hopkins becomes a voice of reason. However, just because she says what you're thinking among the unstable, don't be confused. If you went to jail, you would spend more time with the shoplifters, than the murderers, and more time with the murderers than the paedophiles. None of them are preferable.

When Jim Davidson was asked his advice on the Lee Ryan love triangle by a helpless Casey Batchelor, he looked down the lens and said “If you can fake sincerity, you can fake anything”. We still voted for him to win, as this admission flew over the heads of millions. This season's winner is still firmly in the balance but win or lose, Jim Davidson is still Jim Davidson. And Katie Hopkins is still Katie Hopkins.

By @TheGafferTapes - @CraigHazell

15.1.15

ALBUM REVIEW - One Direction 'FOUR'



So another album review of a band that was also manufactured by the belching music production machine that is The XFactor; Ella Henderson and now One Direction, don’t we treat you here at ItsBizNews. 1D as like Henderson was another act that didn’t win Xfactor but instead came third, trumped by both Rebecca Ferguson and Matt Cardle. 1D have not let this stand in their way as the band is now worth a hefty 25 million with numerous number one hits and albums under their skinny belts. If I’m honest I’m not a big fan but I was happy to listen and was pleasantly surprised. Enjoy!

In my last review I talked about the difficulty of shedding the XFactor label that seems to surround all the stars that are curated and preened by this globally recognised show. It’s known for exuding stagey pop music for the masses as each week every act is singing a Westlife cover, or a Mariah Carey classic. Although newer and more indie hits are being used, back in 2010 1D were belting out the typical Xfactor cliché tunes. But as the band has grown and discovered an addiction to tattoos, both fans and band members have started to grow up and this album appears to be a maturing of the pubescent melodies this band has been churning out for the past few years. In Midnight Memories, the last album, the introduction of power chords and rougher lyrics and singing style helped to move the band towards a rockier feel and it’s obvious that in the new album Four this is where the boys are going with their music.

Steal My Girl, is the first obvious showing of this; the piano ostinatos have a classic rock feel, and the rough feel of Harry’s voice and the wonderful high pitched additions from my favourite 1D member Zayn, (had to pop that in) this one is a winner from the start. I also liked that it’s about keeping your hands off of someone else’s partner as it's a different, moral subject to sing about. Overall it’s a sweet song and it slowly introduces fans to this new found rock feel. Also if you haven’t seen the music video, go check it out, it’s a little odd but I kind of loved it. Ready to run, is the next track on the album and although a steadier pace this one is a belter. With the lines ‘Wherever you are is the place I belong’ and ‘Without you I’ll never make it out alive,’ you can tell this is one to melt the fans hearts into a puddle of loveliness. The chorus is full on and you can’t beat a few ‘woahh-ohhs!’ Now Where do Broken Hearts go really surprised me as it has an 80’s anthem groove going on and the vibe is fresh and modern! You can tell this band is trying to run as far away from its X Factor days as possible. I can see this one being a concert hit with fans screaming and banners waving; one of my favourites I have to admit!

I also loved 18 and it’s not just because it was written by the incredible collaboration of Ed Sheeran and Passenger (could it get any better?!) The guitar riffs have a ‘Sheeran’ feel and the melody is stripped back much like many of the songs that feature on his most recent album X. I also loved that Louis got a little solo at the end. We always hear Harry, Liam or Zayn and it’s nice that he got a break to show off that he can take the centre stage. Girl Almighty is a bit of a filler but once again it will get the girls screaming and crying in synchronisation. With funky guitar chords and riffs a plenty this song fits perfectly with the new found sound of the band. Then we hit Fool’s Gold; two words, cheery and sentimental. It’s got that stereotypical happy but sad feel that I love and the harmonies are wonderfully balanced with the music behind and the boys really get to show off their voices.With lyrics such as 'Yeah I know your love's not real but that's not the way it feels' this is another weepy track.

Night Changes, is a wonderful song to show of Zayn’s beautiful voice during the middle 8 section of the song. Overall the song talks of a girl going to meet a boy for a date but it’s also about growing up and maturing (much like the band in this album!) The lyrics sing 'Her mother doesn't like that kinda dress. Reminds of her of the missing piece of innocence she lost...' The lyrics are so much more soulful than their glory days of ‘that’s what makes her beautiful’ and that makes me so happy because there is obviously more to this band than meets the eye. One thing to mention here when talking about the next song, No Control, is that this album certainly has song material variety. This song talks of the day after the night before and although it’s a little raunchy I know it will once again go down an absolute storm in a packed out stadium! Definitely one to dance around to in your room with you hair on top of your head, and your pjs on! Clouds and Spaces both play around with the same kind of motives; one being about a break up, but with a bit of a kick and one about when your boyfriend or girlfriend is being a little uncaring. They both revolve around shaking those feelings off and getting back on your feet. They are both pretty good songs but nothing to scream praises about. Finally we finish with Stockhold Syndrome which I thought was a little odd. It kind of sings of a metaphorical hostage, it’s a weird way to end the album but, I’m sure all the fans will love it (as they will the entire album)