TOWIE - Episode One & Two.

It seems like last year since we saw our favourite agg loving Essex folks in action! Well the bronzed beauties are back and there’s a ssssssnake amongst them – oh the horror! The first two episodes gave us a whole lot of couple love, plenty of he said she said and a glimpse of Charlie Sims! Here’s what we learnt…

Episode One.

1. Bobby told the waiter he had a grassy arse – we think this was an attempt at the native language rather than a weird euphemism.

2. Beef in Tenerife. Nobody needs that shit.

3. Dani unfollowed Ferne on Twitter, that's the social media equivalent of posting dog shit through someone’s letterbox.

4. Lydia got up from that sun lounger like the dodgy kebab from last night just came back to haunt her.

5. Civil? Civil? That’s no way to celebrate a birthday Mario.

6. In a break from tradition Ricky decided to throw his own drink in his own face.

7. Danny O, Lockie and Elliott in a sweaty sauna. It's like Christmas Day, Birthday and Pancake Day all in one scene!

8. We reckon Elliott is regretting those his and hers teeth now.

9. There’s no word that strikes fear like ‘word’ – apparently.

10. GC was channeling her inner something about Mary with that fringe action.

11. Listen... we are Elliott, we are!

12. Lydia was channeling her inner and outer Cruella.

13. Dan is a double DILF.

14. Jess used a hashtag in an actual out loud spoken sentence. We feel dirty.

15. Snake watch is in full swing. Some are looking a bit scaly

16. Lockie is looking extra musketeer this series and we are loving it.

17. Hey sexy. Here. Now. Dan E, woweee. Even though we’re pretty sure he stole his hair from a nostalgic Italian wannabe model and looks like he has the sun eternally shining in his eyes, we kinda like him.

18. Bloor wisdom, just because you've got a meal it doesn't mean you can't look at the menu. We’d be worried about him ordering a side dish.

19. Charlie Sims is back!!! We’ll savour that 2 seconds of handsome hat action.

20. When a conversational reply starts with ‘mmmhmmm’ you know it's going to go downhill quicker than a fat kid on a bike with no brakes.

Episode Two.

21. We don't think Bobby has quite grasped the meaning of moral.

22. Dani booked into Chloe's for one of those classic hair combings.

23. Elliott bought her a carpet? Now that right there ladies is a catch.

24. Lockie and Dan running through the woods looked like they'd just nicked a handful of penny sweets from woolies.

25. Lydia thinks Vas has it in for her. Maybe he's jealous of her hat collection? Or maybe he could sense her underlying bitch?

26. Lewis is wondering if the ass sorry we mean grass is greener.

27. Want to nick birds? Then you need to dog up.

28. Jess would like us all to know she's over Ricky ok. Ok!

29. Bobby’s tache is more Bieber than Mr Selfridge

30. Listen... People can't listen to a text Elliott!

31. ‘a fink day av a little bit’ – Dani’s elocution lessons are going really well.

32. Diags saying wise things makes us more uncomfortable than when the drunk person on a quiet bus makes eye contact with you.

33. Surely the creepy ‘I’ve done a silent fart’ smile every time someone had a ‘she said he said’ convo in front of Gemma gave her away…

34. There’s so much aggy in the air.

Ex On The Beach 2 - Episode Four.

Episode 4 of our favourite MTV show shot mainly on a beach with people who are people’s ex’s felt like the calm before the storm. The calm was briefly disturbed when Mel unleashed the wrath, oh boy what a wrath! Then there were lots of grafting, a parsnip slip and a whole load of C U Next Tuesday’s being uttered here there and everywhere! Here’s what we learnt…

1. As soon as Gaz arrived Mel threw Connor aside like a pair of old socks (Hey look Adam, that analogy works for pretty much any situation!)

2. Jess thinks Rogan is the devil – well he has got horny down to a fine art.

3. Boat bum overload! We couldn’t keep up with the all the cheek.

4. Kayleigh has invested in one of Mel’s Slagdar’s and it gave Emily a reading of ‘Dirty Hoe’.

5. Anita popped out the ocean looking like Cousin It. Ah long hair life jacket problems.

6. Gaz doesn't like to eat off a plate… filth.

7. Forget nipple watch, it’s all about PARSNIP WATCH now! The parsnip in (just about) paper pants alert!

8. Kayleigh did seem to have more fun as a blonde, fancy that.

9. Rogan referred to himself as Rogie Bear. It shouldn't work but it kind of made his little speech even more adorable. The smooth bastard.

10. Anita has a case of parsnip peril.

11. Who knew sausages came in pairs hey Kayleigh.

12. C U Next Tuesday got more airtime than erm what's her name… you now, the one with the face…

13. Mel unleashed the wrath and it was mighty.

14. Poor little Connor was like a little cub trying to restrain 2 lionesses from devouring a mouthy gazelle he’d formed and unlikely friendship with. Definitely a Disney movie in the making.

15. Let's all chip in and get Morgan one of these 10 pound hoes they keep talking about, we’re starting to feel a bit sorry for him.

16. On those grabber machines in arcades we bet Gaz is the type of guy that goes for one rammed in a corner tied to a brick rather than the one perched top centre, just for the love of graft.

17. Rogan listed his boy Morgs above Jess. That's true guy love.

18. Dolphins. Dolphins. Dolphins. All wet an’ that.

19. Adam was having one those days where if he got a hit by a train it wouldn’t be clean and quick; he’d be dragged a thousand miles before getting pissed on by wild cats

20. Girls dig a rap apology.

21. Hey mum and dad how did you meet 'making chocolate cocks an' that' the start of a beautiful life together for Emily and Connor surely?

22. Adam was filmed speaking without a hat… we now realise why he wears one at all times. Terrible hair game Gabriel.

23. Second slagdar reading for Emily, massive massive whore.

24. I'm sorry I'm a prick is catchier than crabs.

25. Lukie G is the new understated stud. Turns out girls do love a rap apology.

26. Joe will forever be know to us as Noddy. Those ickle rosy cheeks, d’awww.

Ex On The Beach 2 - Episode Three

Episode 3 and our first epic girl fight loomed, but then sanity actually prevailed and chicks before dicks became a thing. It all went a bit Ex crazy with on average someone gaining a small head every 3 minutes. Then the Ex of all Ex’s aka Mr Parsnip aka Gaz from Geordie Shore arrived… bring on the mayhem! Here’s what we learnt…

1. Kayleigh looked all super sad in her glorious yellow dress but all we could think about was how long her eyelashes are. That’s some mighty length.

2. When it comes to letting people down Adam is about as gentle as Edward Scissor hands checking a prostate.

3. Water parks generally do make people moist. It’s more to do with the whole water thing than Connor being naughty.

4. We want Jess’s eyes so we can just look at them all day. There is no way we can word that to not sound a bit creepy.

5. Loren had a case of the fear tears.

6. The way people were talking you'd think Kayleigh was hulk not a teeny tiny girl.

7. Rogan, Jess and Anita on a date. That was more awkward than taking your mum to see 50 shades of grey.

8. When you think Rogan can pull off anything... he turns up in tennis whites. He looked like Cliff Richard on steroids.

9. We thought Anita would make an excellent ball girl... we can't think why. But she needs to work on her technique.

10. Whenever Jess talks we now close our eyes and this will never ever change. We really want her to say ‘please sir, can I have some more’.

11. We didn’t realise Megan was still a thing…

12. Morgan is so smooth. Not metaphorically but actually literally.

13. What's the actual definition of mugging someone off? A bit of clarity would really help prevent intellectual exchanges like ‘you’re mugging me off’, ‘how am I mugging you off?’, ‘you’re just mugging me off’.

14. Adam makes a beautiful blonde. Kind of like a bearded Taylor swift.

15. Rogan has the body of a Greek God and the voice of a Downtown Abbey extra with added fluffiness.

16. Kayleigh woke up in a good mood then Loren had to dish the bombshell. It was like watching an excited kid at Christmas find out the best toy they got needs batteries.

17. Loren made sure there were witnesses... wise.

18. Kayleigh reacting well to that news was more surprising than the ending to Shutter Island.

19. We need more Luke and his excellent doo action.

20. Why don't they just turn the tablet of terror off?

21. Gaz coming out the sea to 'anaconda'. Brilliance.

22. Mels ex hated Gaz so much he blocked him on Twitter. That's the social media equivalent to pissing through someone's letterbox.

23. Emily racked up three ex’s within 2 seconds! That’s almost as long as it took Connor to become Mel’s bitch.

24. The term ex is about as loose as… naming no names (insert side eyes here)

25. Dick in a box... well played producers, well played.

Ex On The Beach 2 - Episode Two.

Episode two of Ex On The Beach treated us to a whole new helping of Ex action. There were nipples, bums and buckets, plus a new level of crazy! What more could we want?! Here’s what we learnt…

1. Muttley, sorry, Megan apparently got guys to beat top nips up. She makes Kayleigh look like a beanie baby.

2. Megan said YOLO out loud in an actual sentence. Twat alert.

3. Mel’s slagdar struck again, this time it gave a reading of ‘loose whore’.

4. Whilst Rogan got a private nipple watch from Anita we could clearly see what she'd had for breakfast.

5. The ol’ huff and blow looked like a classic case of 'I don't want to go to school today mum' from Connor.

6. We can't tell if Loren was stirring a pot or winding up a jack in a box. A career as a mime does not await.

7. Next in the range of Mel’s gadgets is the ‘Bullshitter Bell’ coming soon.

8. Megan got pied. It was like watching a scabby badger dry hump a prize-winning watermelon.

9. They're all so cultured 'slip it in big boy' & 'my tits are amazing' – they learnt all the classics.

10. Nipple watch. Morgan's baby nips were peeking through what can only be described as a string vest. This is not a drill.

11. Morgan unleashed the wrath and the decorative bowls shit themselves.

12. Forget nipple watch. It's all about the crack. Rogan. Butt. Naked.

13. How is it possible for someone to emerge from the ocean looking that good? Jess is clearly a vampire or unicorn or something.

14. She makes him laugh his tits off. That's some serious shits and giggles. Have you seen the size Rogan’s tits?!

15. It's not every day you see a Welsh tattoo covered Bieber straddling a horse. Luke’s a fairytale prince in the making.

16. Adams nipples were perfectly on form glistening in the sun getting their cheeky flirt on.

17. Future girlfriend. Rogan you smooth little shit. He’s smoother than Morgan’s chest covered in melted butter.

18. Uh-Oh! Morgan angered Kayleigh! It was nice knowing him.

19. Loren went from chief wing woman to giggling school girl in a flash of the wolf of the west end’s smile.

20. He got feelin's an' that has Rogie Bear.

21. Sad faced Anita is more upsetting than watching a three legged puppy with a bag stuck on its head backing into a busy road.

22. Nobody who uses the word moist can officially be a ten out of ten.

Now bring on the Gaz!!