Plate patrol, shameful tears, psychic readings
and wasps. A little bit of everything you never knew you needed to see. Here’s 7
things we learnt from day 9…
1. Breakfast
etiquette: 2 sausages for breakfast is sufficient so long as the vegetarian
ones are not touched. It is not correct kitchen conduct to be heavy-handed on a
self-serving spesh when there aren’t many eggs or mushrooms.
2. When the Plate Patrol is on
duty, it is practically a hanging offence to get your own plate.
3. There are wasps in the garden
that are really frustrating and cups represent love.
4. DO look a £5000 gift horse in
the mouth if they get angry, intimidating and abrasive. Or alternatively, if
you hear the hisses and heckles to get the rat out of the kitchen – immediately
shift allegiances.
5. Blubbering is perilous to make
up. The formula for tear termination is to take a really deep breath and just
enjoy your food..if Christopher hasn’t already gobbled it down that is. Because
supposedly he is selfish and unsharing like that.
6. When you find yourself
embarrassingly talking to yourself and sad repeat Jale’s ‘Don’t cry don’t cry
don’t cry don’t cry, for f**ks sake don’t cry’ mantra.
7. As Steven’s Grandad says: the
one thing in life you never ever ever do is bite the hand that feeds you.
9 things we learnt from day 11…
1. To make your
preening less effeminate discuss manly, macho topics such as The World Cup.
2. Revealing the Power Housemate's
identity will only breed anger and resentment. Human dartboard, Jale plans to
scale the wall knowing it will be a free for all and some feel he’s avenging
people on Jale’s behalf.
3. Supposedly the house is missing
the obligatory slutbucket and it is displeasing that all single guys have been
put in a house of man haters.
4. Ash aka Mr Cool likes a girl in
gym gear but is morally opposed to having a bird who’s a bit of a slut.
5. The last supper should have been
a Chinese banquet.
6. Cerise jumpsuits do nothing for
Mark’s Halle Berries!
7. Do you know how many times
Kimberly gets treated like she’s a piece of meat like seriously on a daily
basis, especially with her job?
8. The Winston quiff is too smooth
to handle – it takes a lot of spray to perfect that.
9. Just two comments from Helen tonight
that disprove Toya's vouching that she isn't a spiteful person. 'I'd rather shit
in my own mouth than look at him' (referring to Marlon) and depicting Jale as a
'slug with elephant ears.'
10 things we learnt from day 10…
1. Like Matthew we
literally want to hit our heads into a brick wall every time the power
housemate is mentioned as a massive manipulator.
2. Don’t mess with Winston’s mates
he’ll woo cha cha POW you.
3. Everything hurts Danielle and
yes, we are so achingly aware that she is classy and a really ‘sweet’ girl.
4. BB bullying can include:
factions developing, deliberate hostility to an individual, persistent
name-calling and ostracising of individuals. On behalf of all BB viewers, I’d
like to say thank you for taking this up with fungus beneath the scum, Helen
(who was totally unapologetic) BUT she should have been raked over the coals
more severely and had her pass to the final revoked.
5. Winston’s little role on
Eastenders came in handy for his SICK secret mission. Not only is he SICK with
the ladies but at storytelling in a humiliating, hysterically funny way too!
6. After getting a girl to piss on
you and then spew everywhere, be sure to do her after!
7. There’s a difference between
having a nice vocabulary and being too verbose.
8. Don’t get up in Toya’s grill
with baseless assumptions that annoy the shit out of her.
9. Steven is already picking out
his and hers towels for himself and Kim! He spelled out that he is attracted to
her physically, emotionally and mentally.
10. You know Helen doesn’t like you
when she flings you to the wolves and lets you make a dick out of yourself!
12 things we learnt from day 13…
1. Kimberly wants to
get her little trotters right into Steven but is afraid of screwing herself
over on National TV and being ‘that girl.’ Let’s NOT have this moment.
2. BB didn’t exactly splurge out on
the Animal Farm costumes.
3. Sausage smushing is ze wurst!
4. You don’t have a career unless
you do modelling. God forbid you have a degree and conventional job! Nobody
takes you seriously anyway when you get your tits out for a living so how is
being on BB any more degrading?
5. Its 2014 people can buy their
own pasta sauce!
6. Why make ginger biscuits when
they cost 50p a packet?
7. Exploit your weaker assets for a
little extra profit.
8. Pussying out of decisions and
fence-sitting mutates your manhood into a MAN-gina.
9. Helen’s nasty fixation on Jale
may now be over as she’s seen a different side to her during the task.
10. There is not one single person
in house who is not completely self-obsessed.
11. Steven is a 45 year old man
trapped in a 23 year old boy’s body.
12. Tomorrow will be slop and swill
not peaches and cream!
9 things we learnt from day 14…
1. A rude awakening
with the old school BB rooster crowing alarm, when you’re sleeping so soundly
in a barn, wrapped in potato sacks WILL make you feel like a refugee.
2. It is inevitable that you will
get sick all over your crotch and dribbled eggy cheesiness in your designer
beard and armpit, when sucking up ostrich eggs and nibbling stinky cheese! It’ll
drive you clucking mad and you just can’t be calm about it.
3. HUNGRY Games – it’s a film.
4. Chickens are like the skidmarks
of the house.
5. What is the world coming to when
you can’t even have a soapy, squeaky-clean shower with your housemate? An
innocent move to wash the cow sh*t off your skin is apparently breaking the
girl code. And so you should not ever step into the shower with a bloke whether
he minds or not.
6. Helen’s sudden need to be
bumchummy with Jale, the self-confessed bossy bastard with 4 balls is unnerving
and a direct correlation to BB spanking her ass.
7. Matthew walks cute, like a baby
animal that just learnt to walk in a wildlife documentary.
8. Shower with a bloke who has only
pecked a babe once before and you’ll be treated like the whore of Babylon
because it looks shit and might be deemed as a bad thing. So says the former
prostitute who shagged another woman’s husband in a seedy threesome. But no, NO
this is far more revoltingly reprehensible than that because Helen didn’t hold
Colleen Rooney in any regard like she does, Tamara.
9. Winston and Marlon will use the
distraction of the hawks gathering to harangue the ‘harlot’ to find more booze.
12 things we learnt from day 15…
1. You’re practically
a saint so long as you still cook and provide for your housemates, even if it
is widely acknowledged that you completely ostracised and pushed out others.
2. Moths are an omen and sign of
death, more so if they land on your pillow.
3. Liverpool and Derry are very
spiritual places.
4. 5 and a half minutes speaking to
the friends and family is a waste of highlight hijinks time. But just enough
time for an ice cream run to the freezer and back.
5. There are 2 kinds of idiots
those that punch sharks in the nose and those who are gullible enough to
believe that it happened in the first place. The latter is the standard by
which all idiots should be measured.
6. Sharks attack like a hot knife
through butter. We love Winston’s highly questionable stories quite a bit.
7. If you manage to lodge your bum
in a giant sculptured head, you don’t want Matthew’s scrawny unburliness on
hand with his WET hands to try and shift you.
8. We like Mark and his mayhem more
and more every minute.
9. Porn is not Armageddon it’s literally
2 people banging the shit out of each other. Don’t scoff but Danielle has never
watched any before. Liar liar, crotchless panties on fire!
10. Danielle doesn’t speak ‘sex’
unless she’s paid to on pervy phone lines. She can’t even bring herself to call
a man’s ‘thing’ a penis.
11. Ash is just as appalled that
Helen slept with a married celebrity that she actually CANNOT name, as the rest
of us. He might want to re-evaluate how he fancies the ass off her.
12. The world will NOT implode
without Pauline. Reacting like her eviction is sadder than watching The
Notebook and a baby bunny being clubbed to death is ludicrous.
