BBUK - Week One

Our first proper highlights show with only a smidge of things we’d already seen, it finally feels like we’re back in the BB bubble. Here’s 13 things we learnt from Day 2.

1. Danielle isn’t used to smutty chat – do they not say ‘get your tits out love’ on her ‘model’ shoots?

2. Steven will chat up anyone in a dress. Literally.

3. Sleeping in a box isn’t ideal.

4. Danielle is a proper lady – her words, not ours.

5. Cats have spiky willies – factoid courtesy of Mark.

6. When a man pukes on a woman’s vagina, it’s called ‘pulling a Winston.’

7. Mark is sorry for fucking swearing. Jesus. Fuck. Is Jesus offensive?

8. Winston topless alert.

9. We may occasionally need subtitles for Ashleigh.

10. The classic jump out at someone from around a corner will never not be funny.

11. Slugsworth…

12. We’ve definitely underestimated just how powerful the power is going to be.

13. The sleeping arrangements are wonderful.

 13 things we learnt from day 3…

1. Ash is a giant. A beautiful Disney prince giant.

2. Toya is already lining up her fanny spray endorsements for when she leaves the house.

3. Danielle is still trying to convince people she’s classy. Dead classy.

4. After all these years people still don’t seem to realize that people say a load of bollocks on their VTs.

5. Helen is wary of the only two people that are completely different to anyone else in the house.

6. Things that really get underneath Toya’s weave: reinforcing favourites and cliques. She can’t be cliqued.

7. Winston referred to himself, as ‘The Winstmeister’ and we didn’t even gag.

8. Kimberly is the wisest Playboy bunny we’ve ever met. (We’ve never met her, or any other Playboy bunnies.)

9. If the ‘stop it, stop it’ warning you sound is not effective, the next course of action is to ‘fuck it.’

10. As far as lining up in order of things tasks goes it went somewhat polite.

11. The names Harrison. Ash Harrison.

12. NEVER ask Helen to put you to bed; you’ll probably dislocate a limb.

13. Tamara can get MORE than a bit silly when she has a drink and lady doors will almost be exposed. As a drunken fool she crawls with legs sprawled like a slug on a lettuce.

Day 4 also known as nominations round one! Normally 4 days in everyone is being super polite and trying to befriend anything with a pulse, but not this bunch! Here’s 12 things we learnt from day 4…

1. The nomination alert scream is beyond creepy.

2. Danielle becomes a bigger, walking, talking, contradiction every single time she opens her ‘classy’ mouth.

3. Toya isn’t fond of ‘flip-floppers’ or men that hold their bits and bobs.

4. Chicken portion size is contentious - even if you are taking the same amount as everyone else because we all want a WHOLE bowl of chicken

5. Despite being told how to several times barely anyone can pronounce Jale. For the record it sounds like the word Barley… if the Queen were to say it in a scouse accent. Ish.

6. Several people have already rented a space up Paulines’ arse.

7. When Marcus gets angry he becomes even more scouse… apparently that’s possible.

8. Rolling your eyes is a sin.

9. Suncream penises are never not funny

10. Steven nominated someone for saying something in their VT that wasn’t pleasant but then being nothing but nice to him… good one Steven.

11. Seeing 16 people’s nominations takes a looooooong time.

12. Danielle isn’t a fan of the ‘sex chat’… twat.

Day 5, promoted as one of the most explosive episodes EVER, so explosive it wasn’t going to be repeated the following day. We had visions of glass throwing, hair pulling and at the very least some angry restraining. It didn’t quite live up to the visions we’d created but it was still pretty great. Here’s 12 things we learnt…

1. Girls will never learn to not shave than spray their pits.

2. Tamara teabagged herself.

3. Danielle's non-sweary slag dignity was thrust aside next to her morals and principles. And the sweet, virginal, butter-wouldn't-melt-broad was never seen again. 

4. If you are going to accuse someone of being a classless slag, ensure you've had a wash and brushed your hair first! 

5. Blue lipstick is always an awful, awful, AWFUL idea.

6. Chris is the king of weird.

7. Toya's traumatising hygiene issues and retching are reminiscent of rein-in-the-crazy Nikki Grahame. 

8. The holiday's over and you only had to be about as psychic as pineapple to have seen it coming.

9. Steven is a little bitch – not our words.

10. You ought to stop swearing or you'll go to f**king hell and God won't be very happy with you.

11. Kimberly is oozes this so called class Danielle deems necessary to life.

12. It’s easy to forget saying the word slag. 

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy… yeah right! In that house? With those people? That really is wishful thinking Big Brother. Here’s 10 things we learnt from day 6…

1. Exuding a sunny, happy demeanour and turning your frowns upside down is draining but very entertaining.

2. There is untold pain and suffering in REMOVING fake tan and make up. Quelle horreur! Unless you remember that you're good looking anyway.

3. Kimbo is positively TOO gorgeous without make up and it means we can’t ever be her best friend.

4. Steven has never seen so much breast.

5. Being a bolshy Bolton lass will get you twatted in the nose.

6. Positive shock therapy sessions are not particularly shocking. However if you do get electrocuted, do it with a smile on your face.

7. Promises to make more of an effort in respect of your personality flaws are applause-worthy.

8. Here's a fun fact: If you're fit, you get away with it. (It = being a tit/twit)

9. Happy hour generally involves heaving, sick buckets and blended penises.

10. 16 people are not going to fall in line permanently, regardless of having to co-exist, compromise and be considerate.

They’ve officially been in there a week, normally the housemates are just settling in and starting to lose their inhibitions… that happened for this lot after about 6 hours!  Here’s 13 things we learnt from day 7…

1. ROFLINg is more irking than twerking.

2. Pauline is a hatefully horrid b*tching machine. 

3. You should be embarrassed if your comments are appalling even if you are angry in the heat of the moment, with crazy witch eyes.

4. Durian fruit facial masks make you look really attractive... but only if your name is Ashleigh. 

5. Rating girls sexiness to their face is not going to perk them right up. 

6. When someone ELSE throws a bucket of fish guts over their head in a bath, Mark will barffff. 

7. Bitching about someone when they're directly behind you is not advisable. But it's just being honest, right? Besides it's not like they're being filmed… oh wait…

8. When someone laughs at you instead of being worried, they are not your f**king friend. 

9. Whizzing across a spinning slippery pole almost always guarantees a whacking on your own slippery pole.

10. Kimberly is one of the few and far between non:annoying-egotistical-and-insufferable American nude models in the entire world.

11. Danielle does not swear. Lest she happens to be midst a throng of f**king slags. Well, now she'll never get into heaven. 

12. Former homewreckers have hearts too.

13. "Borrowed it ya" - is bad grammar. 

It’s Friday aka eviction day! Can we kick at least half of them out please? No?! Shame. Here’s 10 things we learnt from day 8…

1. Quilt hogging in a bed you are not sleeping in, is still apparently grounds for slagging someone off. Because remember: Life is too short not to say what is on your mind.

2. Showing a little sensitivity or compassion is not imperative.

3. Not only does Kimberly look cute in a cap but first thing in the morning too. We kinda want to hate her but we can’t.

4. Marlon makes a dashing waiter.

5. Trying to have a secret magical night in a transparent GLASS pod is not going to stay secret for longer than five seconds.

6. Spaghetti bolognaise IS a magic potion that makes you like a man. Tried and tested, 100% success rate approved by Winstmeister.

7. Seeing someone snog is sure to bring out your inner teenager complete with immature ooooohs and ‘they’re snogging!!!’ cheers.

8. Lovable goof Chris is the best choice ever for power housemate.

9. When bitching, manifestly you will use terms that are more apt in reference to yourself.

10. Tamara went bye byes.

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