MTV Ex On The Beach - Episode Five

Episode 5 is done and dusted, a love pentagon, man bits, Disney characters, sexy air guitar and a milky mishap; what more could we possibly want? (Those slow-mo showers scenes we mentioned would be nice). Here’s what we learnt this week…

1. Farah doing bootcamp in an inside-out skirt made us laugh more than it should have.

2. The dread that appears on their faces when they have to go to the beach fills us with evil joy.

3. Girls who have respect for themselves are just no fun – with wisdom like that Jack & Liam will be touring primary schools as life coaches.

4. Jack has a beautiful way with words and really high-standards. Poor lad just wants a bird who’s a slag to ‘jump on me pipe’ (folks from our neck of the woods have such a dreamy accent don’t they)

5. Joss is a Disney dream guy.

6. Joss kissed his own bicep – if we had balls they’d have shriveled up from the sheer cringe levels on his behalf.

7. Only Joss can make shorts that are clearly made out of the skin of Big Bird after he’s been binging on glow stick ‘juice’ look sexy.

8. Farah really made us want to find our Pocahontas/John Smith love alternative.

9. Whenever Marco talks we find ourselves wondering how he fits Jeff under those hats. Mystery.

10. The love pentagon was born.

11. Vicky christened Emma-Jane and Talitha ‘penis partners’ - we’re starting our campaign for ‘penis partners’ to have equal rights.

12. Vicky also gives exception, profound, heartfelt relationship advice. She’s basically the Girl Guide guru.

13. Emily was more excited than a randy puppy that’s just spotted a bare leg at the thought of going on another date with Liam.

14. Ashley’s dinner table death stare made another appearance when Vicky mentioned how Joss likes to share the love – this time the poor couscous did a little wee.

15. To win Emily over all you have to do it gatecrash Doris’ funeral and treat her to the free buffet – definitely don’t take her camping!

16. Talitha kissed Joss and Ash like totally doesn’t know and oh my god the potential drama is totes brewing.

17. The beautiful beast Dan going to ‘sleep’ after being hypnotised had to be rewound and re-watched at least 15 times. We recommend slow-mo.

18. Ash and his sexy air guitar dance will definitely catch on.

19. If Ashleys’ man bits make a second appearance we’re going to have to name them. Pablo is hard on for as front-runner.

20. Without a fondle camping is shit.

21. Liam got over-zealous with his milk.

22. We salute Liams’ stirring prep work. No shoddy mixing with this one.