Geordie Shore - Episode One

Our favourite Geordie bellends are back! Yay! We’ve missed this somewhat dysfunctional family more than we miss being able to get excited about a happy meal toy. If last series is anything to go by we’re in for a right dirty treat. Here’s what we learnt from episode one…

1. It does feel good to be back with these bellends.

2. We had to pause it for a good 5 minutes after the preview of Charlotte running through the street naked. Too. Much. Funny.

3. Harlotte are back. They’re kind of like herpes; you can never truly get rid of them,

4. Holly’s famous last words ‘she's not going to go there’ with Kyle. We’ve had cocktails that lasted longer than we think she will.

5. We can’t hope wondering if Kyle owns anything with sleeves.

6. Our Scotty T crush is reignited, so wrong but so right.

7. Blonde Vicky! She looks so damn classy... then opens her mouth and utters the sentence ‘I’d rather frig myself off with a cactus’ – we love her.

8. Oh look it's the one with the face and the muscles. Is it jack? Joe? Oh James…

9. Favouritism in the work place; disgusting! Where are the equal opportunities? Every slut deserves a chance!

10. Aaron is never going to take a hotdog out of a mans arse again… That's what George Michael said.

11. Some people can draw the NYC skyline from memory. Holly can draw Kyle, Scott and James’s penis’; the skills.

12. We know Scotty T is pretty talented and all that, but he's not fucking psychic.

13. Gaz was sat between two arguing silverbacks but looked like he was watching Downton Abbey. Too much chill.

14. Forget Robot Wars, it’s all about Potato wars.

15. Scotty releasing his inner bitch is like drinking an ice-cold beer after eating 6 crackers; refreshing.

16. Aaron got wet. Oh the irony.

17. Swilling is a big deal.

TOWIE - Episode Four

Episode four and still no repercussions from the Jasmin ‘he said, she said’ debacle – we feel let down. We did however get a whole dose of manly, muscle action (thank you) and a whole load of opinions. Here’s what we learnt…

1. When a show starts with the sentence ‘A little swag for your entertainment…’ we will throw up a little in our mouth.

2. Boys breakfast chat is like Jack Black, light hearted, cheeky and funny. Girls sauna chat is like Anne Hathaway, serious, whiney and overrated.

3. It’s one thing calling Ricky, ‘Jess’s little bitch,’ but insulting the beard combing process is a step too far Sims!

4. Someone needs to tell Lydia it’s quite simple, if she doesn’t want to be his mum stop acting like she is.

5. Arg is like a weird version of Snow White, getting his little helpers to do all the housework for him, we’re surprised he didn’t burst out into song.

6. All that stretching led to some educational post-baby nunny chat. Billie should release a book or truths.

7. Opinions opinions opinions. Gemma thinks Chloe's right blah blah blah, but logic suggests if she did reeeeeeeally love him, she'd forgive him doing a stupid.

8. Ironed linen is marriage material

9. The Essex strongest man competition really could have benefited from costumes, we were thinking Speedos and bow ties.

10. We've ever seen someone as excited as to Ricky to beat Elliott since a kid in our class got two toys in their kinder egg!

11. Dan is a beautiful beast.

12. Lockie was rocking some serious hulk shoulders in that white vest. His audition for the lead role in the next die hard movie went very well.

13. For the first time in a whoile we feel sorry for Lewis. Fran's voice, aimed right at him... nobody should have to deal with that.

14. The beard clearly has powers. Ricky pulling that car did something to our ovaries.

15. Hmmmmmmmm we don't remember Elliott putting it exactly like that Gemma. That story had more spin on it than the waltzers.

TOWIE - Episode Three

We were half expecting this episode of TOWIE to include a fair amount of girl fights and plenty more, he said that she said that he said I said, chat aimed at Jasmin… but instead we got a trip to Thorpe park, only a snippet of beard action and the revelation that Elliott gone done a bad. Here’s what else we learnt…

1. Having a half naked George in Tom’s bed is like putting a limited edition Playstation game in front of a 19 year old acne covered boy and telling them not to play with it. Oh the temptation.

2. Charlie has the neck of David Dickinson and the face of Edward Cullen; tantastic.

3. Chloe’s doo looked remarkably like a horse mane.

4. We adore Debbie’s ‘Keep calm it’s only an extra chromosome’ t-shirt!

5. Danielle's letter to Lockie went downhill faster than the fat kid in Captain Hook.

6. Lockie’s letter had much less ‘fucks’ than his last.

7. Geogia doing the ol’ invite someone to be polite trick then looking like she’d just found an old bag of dog crap in her pocket when Tommy actually turned up.

8. When Fran unleashes her inner rottweiler she's far scarier than any ride at Thorpe Park.

9. Elliott was playing football but not wearing a football kit; we feel cheated!

10. We've finally realised who Tommy reminds us of! A much better groomed Spencer Pratt during a face fuzz faze.

11. We laughed far too much at Diags’ ‘Carer’ line.

12. Tom is slowly morphing into Gerard Butler, minus the hot accent.

13. Why was Tommy wearing an outfit that’s perfect for a date with Netflix on a night out?

14. The Ricky beard alert was brief but beautiful.

15. If Arg wants a nap he should be allowed a goddamn nap.

16. Lewis’ smug grin told a very different story to what his lips were.

17. Elliott gone done a bad.

MIC - Episode Two

Episode two of Made In Chelsea gave us a dose of some serious fashion porn, like hot damn serious! We also saw the most awkwardly adorable date ever, how not to keep a secret and why Jamie would be both the best and worst boss in the world. Here’s what else we learnt…

1. Sam is an excellent bitch… we do however think he needs a uniform.

2. Having Jamie as your boss would be like letting a chimpanzee do you hair. It looks amusing, but it’s going to get messy.

3. Lucy should never dabble in the music industry.

4. Andy declaring Louise is a catch and Lucy giving it the ol’ side eyes gave us a warm glow.

5. We'd give Lonan one... Wait we mean ‘A’ one… no we mean a 9.

6. Once the sentence 'Show you my thing' was uttered we realised we have the same level of sophisticated humour as Stevie.

7. We're a little bit in love with Louise's shirt with the black collar. We need it. We need it now!

8. Andy's more gutted than a bad guy Jack Bauer is after that’s just swallowed some super spy like evidence.

9. Sam’s presentation was more enthusiastic than a fat kid trying to get into a family sized bag of M&M’s.

10. The hat, the glasses, the shirt... oh Lonan you now have the face of a sexy computer nerd, the body of Thor and the dress sense of David Beckham, we heart you.

11. These sentences from Binky should fill nobody who’s every told her something with confidence… “I'll try and keep it a secret...”, “Can I tell a few people…”.

12. Lucy and Proudlock really need educating on the definition of a secret. These expensive posh schools clearly don’t cover the basics.

13. We’ve decided in the Disney world of love stories, Lucy and Proudlock are totally Pocahontas and John smith (her date attire may have planted this seed)

14. Already planning a second date before you’ve even seen the specials, now that’s intense.

15. We can’t figure out why Louise was dressed as a Stepford wife on a night out, we’re baffled.

16. Andy should just sit looking pretty singing his wonderful songs, him saying words just isn’t working.

17. Tourist Alik is more adorable than a baby Panda feeding a bunny rabbit.

18. We think we may have discovered what Lucy doesn't trust about Proudlock, it's his chiseled jaw, nobody should have a jaw that defined!

19. Mark Francis Wisdom - It's best to have a little of the finer things than a lot of the shit. Pine is not wood and pointing is not lady like.

20. Matt, sorry we mean Will, looked like a serial flasher in his trench coat. Stay away from the parks Will!

21. Proudlock and Stevie’s polo attire was beautiful.

22. Watching super posh people flirting is like watching a nature documentary; oh the fascination.

23. Andy needs introducing to an iron.

24. Jamie's 'I need to tell you something face' is horrifying. They should use that look so scare small children into not putting wallpaper up their noses.

25. Alik did not, he would not!

TOWIE - Episode Two.

This series is so far shaping up to be a right goody; a long awaited, thought it might never happen, genuine goody. It’s got a little bit of everything, old love, new love, no love and Lockie talking about feelings and stuff. Here’s what we learnt from episode two…

1. Bobby’s Breakfast Innuendo will be coming to ITV in 2015.

2. Ricky is morphing into a sexy lumberjack that looks like he could kill a bear.

3. Oh look GC is back... Is it bad we've only just realised she wasn't in it the other night?

4. Chloe and Elliott should really watch Friends to clarify the terms and conditions of 'on a break'.

5. Charlie’s tan is clarification, if you ever needed it, that not everyone suits the ‘sun god’ look; some folks are just built for the ‘pale prince’ style.

6. Mario wins the award for line of the series with this cracker… Charlie “I'm dripping...” Mario “So is Ferne…” We like our humour like we like our men, simple yet effective.

7. We'd like sweaty Tommy to read us a story.

8. Georgia saying “Jasmine Walia” was exactly how we used to say the name of our archenemy in primary school.

9. James in counseling talking about his definition of love melted our tiny cold hearts. He should copywrite that shit and sell it to hallmark for Valentines Day.

10. Oh we don’t half love an ‘accidental’ slip of the tongue, Chloe doesn’t know how Jess can still be friends with 'it' aka ‘Ferne’.

11. We found ourselves wondering what's in Arg’s golf rucksack, we decided it’s probably ham and egg sandwiches, a crowbar and Vaseline.

12. Tommy has never had a vegetable? He does know that the mash he has with pie and mash comes from a potato, right?

13. People aren't happy with Jasmin saying words! No wonder she doesn’t say them very often with all this agg’.

14. When we look at Fran all we see is a tiny moustached man, wearing a top hat, sat behind her eyes controlling her every word followed by a mwuahahaha!

15. We're very fond of Jess's hat, it’s nice to see Charlie and Ferne don’t have the monopoly on Essex headwear.

16. We very much like the idea of a Dan and Lockie sandwich.

17. Nobody tells Charlie Sims what to do except Charlie Sims. Alright!

18. Seeing scenes in The Brickyard always make us hungry.

19. Tom trying to say the right thing went very wrong, very fast.

20. Girls that invent problems are girls we will never understand, kind of like Cricket – pointless.

21. Georgia/Tommy/Jasmin, we're completely lost. Who said what? We need to know. Please reenact the scene immediately.

22. We're fairly certain Elliott has been a knight in shining armour already.

INTERVIEW - Sam Reece

Sam’s face may look incredibly familiar, not only does he grace you telly screens every evening in the Boohoo adverts but he’s also one of the stars of our Man Candy section (you can see why). Well his face is about to get even more familiar as he launches his official 2015 calendar! We spoke to Sam about a busy 2014, those adverts and of course his ridiculously good-looking calendar…

Hi Sam, 2014 seems like it's been a crazy year for you, has it felt as great and hectic as it's looked?

It has been really busy, but I'm loving every single minute of it! This year has gone so fast I haven’t had time to sit back and relax.

We see your face on our telly most nights in the boohoo adverts, were they fun to film?

They’re so great to film. We all have such a laugh and get to go film in some fantastic locations. It’s great working with Boohoo, we’re like one big family.

Do you get recognised/perved over a lot in public now? What's that like?

I do! It still feels strange but it's a good feeling, the fact that people want to have a picture with me or just say hello and then seeing the smile on their faces or how excited they get; it makes me smile.

Your 2015 calendar is out now! Are you excited?

Definitely! I cannot wait for everyone to see it, I’m so happy with it!

What made you want to do one?

The tweets I was getting from my followers constantly asking for me to do one, it was that much in demand I went with it and did it; I couldn’t not.

How different was it shooting for your own calendar over a normal shoot!?

It was near enough the same but I really enjoyed it because I got to style and direct the whole shoot. All 13 pictures are all exactly what I wanted and I’m very happy with the outcome.

Can you describe your calendar in 3 words?

Hairy. Tatted. Eyes. You'll know why I said ‘eyes’ when you buy it…

What’s it like thinking people are going to have your face on their wall for the next 12 months?

This is really strange that people are wanting me on there wall and the tweets I'm getting about how exited people to have it; I feel honoured.

You're at soccer six this coming weekend, are you looking forward to that?

Yes! it's always great meeting people that have come to see you and as I said before, one 2 second photo makes some peoples day.

If people want to see even more of you, what can they catch you doing next?

Keep your eyes peeled haha!

You can get your hands on Sam’s Official 2015 Calendar here… www.celebritymerchandise.co.uk

INTERVIEW - Sunny Andre

Hi Sunny, for those that don't know you, what 5 words best describe who you are?

Loving, loyal, real, confident and bubbly.

Have you always wanted to model?

YES!!! From when I was little, I was always taking part in school shows, girls brigade events and smaller fashion shows. I have also been involved in some charity fashion shows in aid of cancer research and for breast cancer, modeling at a few events in the past. I’ve always wanted to be working within entertainment and I went onto study performing arts, media production and acting techniques and its something that I really love - not just one part, but all areas of the industry! Getting as much work experience as possible is crucial at the start.

Which area do you see yourself doing career wise?

Acting is something that I want to focus on now, after working within TV production and TV presenting for smaller sky channels in the previous years, it’s now my aim to move more into acting mainstream (film/TV), or commercials; even musicals. I am a Spotlight registered Actress so this is a great credit to have and I am constantly updating my portfolio and looks and getting myself out there! Being born and Bred in London, I am British-Asian and I think that there is that niche market which I fit into and I am looking on getting myself seen more, there isn't enough Asians on TV and I really think this is something that would open up a whole new audience.  Overall - I don't do giving up! Modeling is also something I am working on, and whilst I am not tall enough for 'Catwalk' - there are still many areas within the industry that I can work on and I am looking to work with many different photographers, brands, designers and stylists. I love getting creative! I recently worked on some new portfolio shots with an amazing photographer - Claire Hill (Woodland Hill Photography) and we did a 1960's style 'Good Girl, Gone Bad' style shoot- It was on location, great fun and something different to portray a different character. Portfolios are key in this industry and keeping them updated!

What spurred you on to delve into the entertainment industry?

I've always been creative and confident and it’s just something you either have or you don't! Davina McCall has forever been my TV presenting Idol, and from the moment I saw her on TV, he style, her charisma and warmth, I wanted to be like her. I see a lot of myself in her, the way she carries herself, her presenting style and her bubblyness - she is an inspiration and someone I look up to. I was also very blessed to meet her whilst my brother in law was working with her on a show, so I was over the moon. She is such a real kind of lady and just as lovely in real life!

You've recently got married, how did you guys meet?

We met four years ago via the good old powers of the internet. I was working in TV production at the time. It’s not your average story or what people think, but how we ended up getting together was simply perfect. You couldn't write a story like that!

Your beautiful wedding to Danny was recently in OK!, how fantastic was the day?

Aww, thanks so much. Yes, it was truly stunning, a dream day and one of the most special days of my life! I took it all in and just enjoyed every second! I am now a Mrs and loving my life! Marrying someone that is your 'the one' is the best feeling ever!

Are you happy you decided to head down the 'OK! wedding route'

The memories are there, but to have them in print and be proud and share our special day with everyone is great. There are some gorgeous photos and something to show everyone in 10 years time.... OK! magazine is a classy and well looked at magazine so I had no second thoughts as they are always very respectful and publish great celebrity features. The team at OK! are just a dream to work with and all the beautiful people who made my day so special - thanks so much from us both!

How's married life? What's it like being a fully-fledged member of the Andre clan?

Married life is great. Its great to be a complete unit but to be honest, I've felt like part of the family for a long, long time now and it’s the best feeling to know that I've officially gained some new brothers and a sister, alongside gorgeous nieces and nephews and great mum and dad in laws! I just love them all! My family has welcomed Danny with open arms and they love him like a son! I love how both our families have always bonded.

Where would you like to be in 5 years?

Happy, Successful and Healthy! I've never been one of these people to say, I want this, and I want that, I will give everything my 110% and as long as I have my beautiful family around me, then I am happy. I'm a huge fan of the soaps, in particular, Coronation Street and EastEnders and also reality TV so if any opportunities would arise in either of those - then I would certainly look into them! I'm a confident person, and with me, its 'what you see is what you get', I am a very real person! I have many strings to my bow, and love looking at various projects out there, so things like Big Brother and so on, they don't faze me and work well for some people.

What's coming up next for you?

I have a photo shoot with a top London fashion photographer modeling some gorgeous bridal and evening ball gowns - this is a 1920's inspired shoot and I am also in talks with a producer on a part in a new horror film, soon to be in production, early 2015. Aside from that, I am working more on gaining more modeling projects and acting work.

What advice would you give to someone dreaming of a career in the entertainment industry?

Never give up and follow your heart. work hard, take in as much as possible, and always treat people how you want to be treated. It’s a tough industry, your forever learning, be prepared for knock backs but I find they make u stronger and more determined. just because you might not be right for one person, it doesn't mean that it will always be that way. enjoy, live, learn and never change.

For those who want to follow me and see what I am up to, checkout my official website www.sunnyandre.co.uk and follow me on Twitter @MrsSunnyAndrea.

TOWIE - Episode One

The Ibiza tans may be beginning to fade (not that you’d notice) now they’re all back in Essex but the drama certainly isn’t. Chloe and Elliott are on the rocks, James is talking about his feelings, Lewis is still a twat and Ricky’s beard is still glorious. Here’s what else we learnt…

1. We’re considering booking an appointment at Chloe’s, we really could do with a good hair combing.

2. Chloe was the Yoda of dating advice; oh the irony.

3. Tommy and Nellie cuddles are cuter than a baby sloth waving.

4. Autumninal is not only a word incredibly hard to pronounce, it’s also not a word.

5. Every time Elliott sheds a tiny tear a fairy dies.

6. Georgia and Tommy are an Essex Romeo and Juliet, minus the feuding families and poison.

7. Lewis used to have really good hair, we can’t actually pinpoint when it all went wrong. Someone should really let him know only Clare Balding can pull off that doo.

8. We'd hire Ricky to fill our cracks! (Your mind went there, not ours)

9. When Ferne heard about Chloe and Elliott’s issues she was like an old lady waiting for one number at the bingo, she couldn't even try to hide the smug grin.

10. Lockie giving relationship advice is like a cat stroking a dog, it’s just odd.

11. George should be honoured. Tom branched out from wine tasting to sushi making dates.

12. Someone also needs to tell Lewis an apology is normally more acceptable if there’s an ounce of sincerity. That same person should also explain to him what sincerity is.

13. Rule 8 in the Mallet handbook - don't kiss girls in clubs, it'll ruin your chances with any other girl.

14. Mario's beard looks like it's slipped forward. His necks far too manly for this stage of face fuzz.

15. Chloe and Elliot are on a break. It's like Ross and Rachel all over again! How can they not see they're each other lobster!

MIC - Episode One.

Our favourite posh folks are back in their native habitat and what happened in New York has definitely not stayed in New York – thank god! Andy and his beautiful nostrils are back, there’s fresh meat in the form of Will and Lonan and Spenny has discovered mornings. Here’s what else we learnt…

1. Andy's nipples look glorious in the Devon sun.

2. Never hire Stevie to deliver shocking news; he does no cushioning prep whatsoever!

3. Mark Francis wisdom - If you're on a yacht it doesn't matter where you are.

4. Sam is so up for dating, but he’s a bit too keen; kind of like a puppy that’s discovered dry humping.

5. Spenny has had a haircut and got 73% more attractive; it shouldn’t be legal.

6. He's also discovered the morning. He just used to refer to it as the part of the day where he calls a taxi to remove females.

7. Lucy is a cool chick. Proudlock thinks she's a cool chick. She's a cool chick ok.

8. Sam needs to work on his interview technique; maybe he should take note of the Barcaly’s life skills adverts.

9. Lucy got attention and liked it but now she’s totally panicking. Kind of like when you win the Jackpot on a slot machine but aren’t sure if you’ll be able to fit all the pound coins in your pockets.

10. We can't help wondering if Andy has a room just for his check shirts.

11. Alik is American Andy.

12. We want to move to Devon

13. We instantly have fallen in love with Will. It was like the very first time we tried a Strawberry Daiquiri, perfection.

14. The Binky/Louis/Lonan/Will intro chat when from polite to filth in 0.5 seconds.

15. Tiffany has arrived and we had flashbacks to that time everyone thought Emma Watson was Lucy’s actual sibling. We prefer Tiff.

16. Lonan looks like a sexy computer nerd with the body of Thor. It so works for us.

17. Spandy reuniting is almost as exciting as S Club 7 making a comeback.

18. Who knew Spencer had so many talents; charmer, speaks French, wears leather exceptionally well and is now an artist!

19. We feel Rosie's once in a decade tan pain.

20. Alik has been in England 10 minutes and already learnt so much; roasts are not BBQ’s, the coast is the ocean and girls giggle uncontrollably when he says Hubbah Hubbah Hubbah.

21. Proudlock in THAT outfit. We're not sure how to feel about the lesbian art teacher look, it's confused us.

22. Sinners are so much hotter than saints - hellooooooo Sinner Stevie.

23. Mytton opting for a saint’s costume at Spencer's party was one of the most ironic things we've ever seen.

24. Spenny saying Andy doesn't care if a girl has a boyfriend or not is the second most ironic thing.