Episode 3 and our first epic girl fight loomed, but then sanity actually prevailed and chicks before dicks became a thing. It all went a bit Ex crazy with on average someone gaining a small head every 3 minutes. Then the Ex of all Ex’s aka Mr Parsnip aka Gaz from Geordie Shore arrived… bring on the mayhem! Here’s what we learnt…
1. Kayleigh looked all super sad in her glorious yellow dress but all we could think about was how long her eyelashes are. That’s some mighty length.
2. When it comes to letting people down Adam is about as gentle as Edward Scissor hands checking a prostate.
3. Water parks generally do make people moist. It’s more to do with the whole water thing than Connor being naughty.
4. We want Jess’s eyes so we can just look at them all day. There is no way we can word that to not sound a bit creepy.
5. Loren had a case of the fear tears.
6. The way people were talking you'd think Kayleigh was hulk not a teeny tiny girl.
7. Rogan, Jess and Anita on a date. That was more awkward than taking your mum to see 50 shades of grey.
8. When you think Rogan can pull off anything... he turns up in tennis whites. He looked like Cliff Richard on steroids.
9. We thought Anita would make an excellent ball girl... we can't think why. But she needs to work on her technique.
10. Whenever Jess talks we now close our eyes and this will never ever change. We really want her to say ‘please sir, can I have some more’.
11. We didn’t realise Megan was still a thing…
12. Morgan is so smooth. Not metaphorically but actually literally.
13. What's the actual definition of mugging someone off? A bit of clarity would really help prevent intellectual exchanges like ‘you’re mugging me off’, ‘how am I mugging you off?’, ‘you’re just mugging me off’.
14. Adam makes a beautiful blonde. Kind of like a bearded Taylor swift.
15. Rogan has the body of a Greek God and the voice of a Downtown Abbey extra with added fluffiness.
16. Kayleigh woke up in a good mood then Loren had to dish the bombshell. It was like watching an excited kid at Christmas find out the best toy they got needs batteries.
17. Loren made sure there were witnesses... wise.
18. Kayleigh reacting well to that news was more surprising than the ending to Shutter Island.
19. We need more Luke and his excellent doo action.
20. Why don't they just turn the tablet of terror off?
21. Gaz coming out the sea to 'anaconda'. Brilliance.
22. Mels ex hated Gaz so much he blocked him on Twitter. That's the social media equivalent to pissing through someone's letterbox.
23. Emily racked up three ex’s within 2 seconds! That’s almost as long as it took Connor to become Mel’s bitch.
24. The term ex is about as loose as… naming no names (insert side eyes here)
25. Dick in a box... well played producers, well played.