TOWIE - Episode One & Two.

It seems like last year since we saw our favourite agg loving Essex folks in action! Well the bronzed beauties are back and there’s a ssssssnake amongst them – oh the horror! The first two episodes gave us a whole lot of couple love, plenty of he said she said and a glimpse of Charlie Sims! Here’s what we learnt…

Episode One.

1. Bobby told the waiter he had a grassy arse – we think this was an attempt at the native language rather than a weird euphemism.
2. Beef in Tenerife. Nobody needs that shit.
3. Dani unfollowed Ferne on Twitter, that's the social media equivalent of posting dog shit through someone’s letterbox.
4. Lydia got up from that sun lounger like the dodgy kebab from last night just came back to haunt her.
5. Civil? Civil? That’s no way to celebrate a birthday Mario.
6. In a break from tradition Ricky decided to throw his own drink in his own face.
7. Danny O, Lockie and Elliott in a sweaty sauna. It's like Christmas Day, Birthday and Pancake Day all in one scene!
8. We reckon Elliott is regretting those his and hers teeth now.
9. There’s no word that strikes fear like ‘word’ – apparently.
10. GC was channeling her inner something about Mary with that fringe action.
11. Listen... we are Elliott, we are!
12. Lydia was channeling her inner and outer Cruella.
13. Dan is a double DILF.
14. Jess used a hashtag in an actual out loud spoken sentence. We feel dirty.
15. Snake watch is in full swing. Some are looking a bit scaly
16. Lockie is looking extra musketeer this series and we are loving it.
17. Hey sexy. Here. Now. Dan E, woweee. Even though we’re pretty sure he stole his hair from a nostalgic Italian wannabe model and looks like he has the sun eternally shining in his eyes, we kinda like him.
18. Bloor wisdom, just because you've got a meal it doesn't mean you can't look at the menu. We’d be worried about him ordering a side dish.
19. Charlie Sims is back!!! We’ll savour that 2 seconds of handsome hat action.
20. When a conversational reply starts with ‘mmmhmmm’ you know it's going to go downhill quicker than a fat kid on a bike with no brakes.

Episode Two.

21. We don't think Bobby has quite grasped the meaning of moral.
22. Dani booked into Chloe's for one of those classic hair combings.
23. Elliott bought her a carpet? Now that right there ladies is a catch.
24. Lockie and Dan running through the woods looked like they'd just nicked a handful of penny sweets from woolies.
25. Lydia thinks Vas has it in for her. Maybe he's jealous of her hat collection? Or maybe he could sense her underlying bitch?
26. Lewis is wondering if the ass sorry we mean grass is greener.
27. Want to nick birds? Then you need to dog up.
28. Jess would like us all to know she's over Ricky ok. Ok!
29. Bobby’s tache is more Bieber than Mr Selfridge
30. Listen... People can't listen to a text Elliott!
31. ‘a fink day av a little bit’ – Dani’s elocution lessons are going really well.
32. Diags saying wise things makes us more uncomfortable than when the drunk person on a quiet bus makes eye contact with you.
33. Surely the creepy ‘I’ve done a silent fart’ smile every time someone had a ‘she said he said’ convo in front of Gemma gave her away…
34. There’s so much aggy in the air.

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