TOWIE - Episode Six.

Episode 6 and Jasmin-watch reports zero sightings. The fallout from the Jess and Ricky drama sure wasn’t pretty and neither was Diags’ Halloween costume. Here’s what we learnt…

1. Carol shares our love of a good metaphor! “He's lost the world, you've lost an island.”

2. Ricky feels bad that he doesn't feel bad. Kind of like when you see someone drop a pound then pick it up and keep it.

3. ‘Pile drive you.’ Oh the romance.

4. Lewis called Fran a pug. We’re not sure why she’s mad, it could have been worse...

5. The only spirits in Essex are Grey Goose and Tequila.

6. Love, lies and ludicrous headgear: The almost love story of Elliott and Chloe, not coming to cinemas near you.

7. Lauren is Chloe's rebound.

8. Elliott showcased the internationally recognisable face of ‘eurgh’ for when a relative talks about their sex life in front of you.

9. The boys have clearly had enough of the ‘Halloween is a girls excuse to dress like a slut’ rule and have decided it's now another excuse for them to get their nips out instead. Equal opportunities and all that.

10. Diags looked more like someone who’d left Chloe’s salon after an in-depth hair combing than medusa

11. Fran is FUMING, the vein we’ve named Sid in her neck gave it away. She needs to put down the pint and count to 115.

12. Lewis' hair was looking much more Leo Di Caprio and far less Clare Balding; thank the hair gods.

13. Can you read? Tommy went from insulting to adorable quicker than  a Cheryl whatsherface engagement.

14. Danielle is about as subtle as Kylie Jenner’s lips.

15. The green beard kinda works for us. Speaking of beards, Mario’s now qualifies and my god that boy rocks a chin covering!

16. Lockie looked like a choirboy that had been asked to stay late, caught in the middle of the drama.

17. Ooooow the mother jibe! That’s lower than Hugh Hefner’s balls.

TOWIE - Episode Five

Episode five and one of our first ever without any Arg action, now the naughty chap is suspended at least we don’t have to listen to Lydia nagging about being his surrogate mum; thank god. Wednesday night was full of some serious domestics as well as the return of Jasmin (again). Here’s what we learnt…

1. Jasmin is alive! She turns up and then disappears more often than Kim Jong Un.

2. Naked ladies send Fran’s voice supersonic; only dogs could hear her.

3. Ricky is a man grrrrr, he’s got a beard and a new restaurant underway! We can't wait to have a mouthful of his meat.

4. Oh sad Diags. Seeing him cry is like watching a puppy get kicked in the face.

5. Chloe and Lauren are talking again! It's like when the spice girls reunited.

6. Fran is the new poster girl for irrationality.

7. We heart the Lockie and Elliot bromance, they’re like Hulk and Thor.

8. Ricky gone done a bit of a bad and Jess is about as happy as a kid without a toy in their kinder egg about it!

9. Vas was rocking that outfit at Jasmins party! We think it classes as being on trend.

10. Mario is a godlike Bollywood Prince.

11. Tom and George made Britney's Vegas wedding seem like a long-term relationship.

12. The beard and guy-liner combo. So right, but so wrong.

13. We prefer the mallet bangra skank remix to the original.

14. The we need to talk sentence... more fearsome than the ‘you’ve got something on your face’ and ‘it’s the police’.

Geordie Shore - Episode One

Our favourite Geordie bellends are back! Yay! We’ve missed this somewhat dysfunctional family more than we miss being able to get excited about a happy meal toy. If last series is anything to go by we’re in for a right dirty treat. Here’s what we learnt from episode one…

1. It does feel good to be back with these bellends.

2. We had to pause it for a good 5 minutes after the preview of Charlotte running through the street naked. Too. Much. Funny.

3. Harlotte are back. They’re kind of like herpes; you can never truly get rid of them,

4. Holly’s famous last words ‘she's not going to go there’ with Kyle. We’ve had cocktails that lasted longer than we think she will.

5. We can’t hope wondering if Kyle owns anything with sleeves.

6. Our Scotty T crush is reignited, so wrong but so right.

7. Blonde Vicky! She looks so damn classy... then opens her mouth and utters the sentence ‘I’d rather frig myself off with a cactus’ – we love her.

8. Oh look it's the one with the face and the muscles. Is it jack? Joe? Oh James…

9. Favouritism in the work place; disgusting! Where are the equal opportunities? Every slut deserves a chance!

10. Aaron is never going to take a hotdog out of a mans arse again… That's what George Michael said.

11. Some people can draw the NYC skyline from memory. Holly can draw Kyle, Scott and James’s penis’; the skills.

12. We know Scotty T is pretty talented and all that, but he's not fucking psychic.

13. Gaz was sat between two arguing silverbacks but looked like he was watching Downton Abbey. Too much chill.

14. Forget Robot Wars, it’s all about Potato wars.

15. Scotty releasing his inner bitch is like drinking an ice-cold beer after eating 6 crackers; refreshing.

16. Aaron got wet. Oh the irony.

17. Swilling is a big deal.

TOWIE - Episode Four

Episode four and still no repercussions from the Jasmin ‘he said, she said’ debacle – we feel let down. We did however get a whole dose of manly, muscle action (thank you) and a whole load of opinions. Here’s what we learnt…

1. When a show starts with the sentence ‘A little swag for your entertainment…’ we will throw up a little in our mouth.

2. Boys breakfast chat is like Jack Black, light hearted, cheeky and funny. Girls sauna chat is like Anne Hathaway, serious, whiney and overrated.

3. It’s one thing calling Ricky, ‘Jess’s little bitch,’ but insulting the beard combing process is a step too far Sims!

4. Someone needs to tell Lydia it’s quite simple, if she doesn’t want to be his mum stop acting like she is.

5. Arg is like a weird version of Snow White, getting his little helpers to do all the housework for him, we’re surprised he didn’t burst out into song.

6. All that stretching led to some educational post-baby nunny chat. Billie should release a book or truths.

7. Opinions opinions opinions. Gemma thinks Chloe's right blah blah blah, but logic suggests if she did reeeeeeeally love him, she'd forgive him doing a stupid.

8. Ironed linen is marriage material

9. The Essex strongest man competition really could have benefited from costumes, we were thinking Speedos and bow ties.

10. We've ever seen someone as excited as to Ricky to beat Elliott since a kid in our class got two toys in their kinder egg!

11. Dan is a beautiful beast.

12. Lockie was rocking some serious hulk shoulders in that white vest. His audition for the lead role in the next die hard movie went very well.

13. For the first time in a whoile we feel sorry for Lewis. Fran's voice, aimed right at him... nobody should have to deal with that.

14. The beard clearly has powers. Ricky pulling that car did something to our ovaries.

15. Hmmmmmmmm we don't remember Elliott putting it exactly like that Gemma. That story had more spin on it than the waltzers.

TOWIE - Episode Three

We were half expecting this episode of TOWIE to include a fair amount of girl fights and plenty more, he said that she said that he said I said, chat aimed at Jasmin… but instead we got a trip to Thorpe park, only a snippet of beard action and the revelation that Elliott gone done a bad. Here’s what else we learnt…

1. Having a half naked George in Tom’s bed is like putting a limited edition Playstation game in front of a 19 year old acne covered boy and telling them not to play with it. Oh the temptation.

2. Charlie has the neck of David Dickinson and the face of Edward Cullen; tantastic.

3. Chloe’s doo looked remarkably like a horse mane.

4. We adore Debbie’s ‘Keep calm it’s only an extra chromosome’ t-shirt!

5. Danielle's letter to Lockie went downhill faster than the fat kid in Captain Hook.

6. Lockie’s letter had much less ‘fucks’ than his last.

7. Geogia doing the ol’ invite someone to be polite trick then looking like she’d just found an old bag of dog crap in her pocket when Tommy actually turned up.

8. When Fran unleashes her inner rottweiler she's far scarier than any ride at Thorpe Park.

9. Elliott was playing football but not wearing a football kit; we feel cheated!

10. We've finally realised who Tommy reminds us of! A much better groomed Spencer Pratt during a face fuzz faze.

11. We laughed far too much at Diags’ ‘Carer’ line.

12. Tom is slowly morphing into Gerard Butler, minus the hot accent.

13. Why was Tommy wearing an outfit that’s perfect for a date with Netflix on a night out?

14. The Ricky beard alert was brief but beautiful.

15. If Arg wants a nap he should be allowed a goddamn nap.

16. Lewis’ smug grin told a very different story to what his lips were.

17. Elliott gone done a bad.