TOWIE - Episode Four.

Wednesdays TOWIE saw the return of Lockie, a toilet based revelation, a kitty cat and some awful shrieking. We could have done without the shrieking but we sure enjoyed the rest of the show, easily one of the best in a while. Here’s what we learnt…

1. Elliott Wrights bum is the real star of TOWIE, we’ve named it Damn, Damn Wright.

2. The producers really need to change the record with Jess & Ricky.

3. We don’t have a car but we still want Dan to clean it.

4. Lockie is back!! Oh how we’ve missed those husky tones.

5. Charlie likes cheese and honey sandwiches. What ever possessed him to create and try this horror? Was he not hugged enough as a child?

6. Diags’ and Fran’s cat is adorable. However walking a cat is like one dog stroking another; it’s creepy wrong.

7. Tom the player is being played by a secret player and no longer wants to be played by the former playee.

8. Charlie and Ferne are turning into the poster couple for Claire’s Accessories. The flower and bandana his and hers combo is now on offer for £2.50.

9. People will do the most stupid shit if it promises a glimmer of their future.

10. Every time the ‘Sims’ are referred to as ‘The Family’ our nipples go hard with sheer horror.

11. Carol looked like someone had just shit in her sink when Chloe marrying her nephew was mentioned.

12. The return of James also bough the return of the jumper over the shoulders look. He’s stormed into first place in the Wolf Of Wall Street cast look-alike competition.

13. Lets be honest… we’ve all thought it! Ferne just ‘apparently’ said it to Elliott’s face! #fuckmeinthetoilet.

14. Ricky was full of so much advice and wisdom this episode. Kind of like Yoda but less green and a little bit taller.

15. ‘Arrys angry tone is only a tenth of an octave lower than his happy tone.

16. Gemma V ‘Arry had some cracking insults but lacked a beverage throw. Shame on them.

17. There’s been no Vas! How are we going to know what’s on trend? That is NOT on trend!

18. Bobby is in serious need of some Charlie King sparkle and positivity. Cough producers cough.

19. Georgia and Fran get some top kudos points for not slapping Grace to stop the shrieking! It wasn’t far off only our dogs being able to hear her.