TOWIE - Episode One.

The TOWIE contingent have unpacked their suitcases and removed the sand and champagne from those hard to reach places, now they’re back on familiar Essex land. A few tans may already be fading but the Marbella drama is still going strong! Here are 21 things we learnt from episode one…

1. Charlie and his wardrobe have migrated from Wolf Of Wall Street to Rock Of Ages. Bye Leo, hello Tom Cruise.

2.The ‘mums’ are busy auditioning for their own version of ‘Loose Women’.

3. We really don’t want to see a scene where ‘arry puts his balls on the table.

4. Nanny Pat must have left Dame Maggie Smith quaking in her stockings! Her face reacting to the statement ‘Arg has lost weight’ was genius.

5. Dan doesn’t need a personality. It’s true.

6. Arg. Never.

7. We want to live in Georgias’ house.

8. Jasmin has clearly had a word about Dan with little Ralfy (we think that’s his name).

9. Dan needs to get his face insured. One near miss is quite enough. The world almost got a lot less pretty.

10. Chloe doesn’t do sorry.

11. It took Grace 3 whole seconds to drop the ‘danshell’. We thought she’d wait at least 7.

12. Gemma has had to turn to goldfish to keep her company.

13. Elliott takes a waxing like a man… badly.

14. Charlie hasn’t mentioned Mario is 3 episodes; we’re worried about him.

15. Little Arg ruined big Args’ life. Apparently.

16. Tom scored VERY highly on our personal checklist.

17. Someone needs to buy poor Bobby a bookmark; a zoo might be a little over the top.

18. Gemma might as well have been driving the bus she pushed ‘arry under.

19. Someone needs to publish the book of girl code so everyone is clear what is expectable and what isn’t. Page 7, girls’ friend must not retire to a seating facility that is positioned under the inhabited roof as boy who previously uttered negative sentences about said girl.

20. When Ricky and Jess are happy we don't get to see more than 4 seconds total of them.

21. The Brickyard is the perfect setting for a not-quite-sorry-patronising-disrespectful-dinner. That is if they’d made it to the actual dinner part. If they were sensible they’d argue after they’d been fed.