TOWIE - Episode One

The Ibiza tans may be beginning to fade (not that you’d notice) now they’re all back in Essex but the drama certainly isn’t. Chloe and Elliott are on the rocks, James is talking about his feelings, Lewis is still a twat and Ricky’s beard is still glorious. Here’s what else we learnt…

1. We’re considering booking an appointment at Chloe’s, we really could do with a good hair combing.

2. Chloe was the Yoda of dating advice; oh the irony.

3. Tommy and Nellie cuddles are cuter than a baby sloth waving.

4. Autumninal is not only a word incredibly hard to pronounce, it’s also not a word.

5. Every time Elliott sheds a tiny tear a fairy dies.

6. Georgia and Tommy are an Essex Romeo and Juliet, minus the feuding families and poison.

7. Lewis used to have really good hair, we can’t actually pinpoint when it all went wrong. Someone should really let him know only Clare Balding can pull off that doo.

8. We'd hire Ricky to fill our cracks! (Your mind went there, not ours)

9. When Ferne heard about Chloe and Elliott’s issues she was like an old lady waiting for one number at the bingo, she couldn't even try to hide the smug grin.

10. Lockie giving relationship advice is like a cat stroking a dog, it’s just odd.

11. George should be honoured. Tom branched out from wine tasting to sushi making dates.

12. Someone also needs to tell Lewis an apology is normally more acceptable if there’s an ounce of sincerity. That same person should also explain to him what sincerity is.

13. Rule 8 in the Mallet handbook - don't kiss girls in clubs, it'll ruin your chances with any other girl.

14. Mario's beard looks like it's slipped forward. His necks far too manly for this stage of face fuzz.

15. Chloe and Elliot are on a break. It's like Ross and Rachel all over again! How can they not see they're each other lobster!